American Football in Heaven

If you’ve ever wondered if there’s football in heaven, wonder no more. The gridiron is indeed a thing after one gets past the pearly gates. In fact, football is just as loved if not more loved in heaven than it is in America. Today we are going to talk about how American football will be played in heaven every season for the rest of eternity.

The first question on your mind may be about how people can play a mundane game in a place where people can fly and teleport. Actually, the heavens recently became a place of divine physicality. Long story short, everyone in the heavens has a body as of a few years ago. That is a fundamental change from when everyone was made out of energy that(at best) resembles a regular person.

Now there is such a thing as individuals or groups of people in heaven who have superpowers, but there are rules in place that limit the use of special abilities. For example, any forty yard dash speed that is below 4.1 seconds would be commensurately frowned upon. Any strength that reaches superhuman levels must be used sparingly. Obviously, no flying allowed even though everyone in heaven born with the privilege under normal circumstances these days.

Every team in heaven fields a team with at least a handful of players that are infallible, especially at the QB position. In the celestial plane, the state of being infallible is described as having the laws of probability in one’s immediate vicinity conform to one’s intentions, although mileage will vary. It is worth noting that being infallible means failing to do things that one should not, even if we are none the wiser.

The thing about being infallible is that running into someone else that’s also perfect makes the infallible attributes cancel out. At that point, the person that would win under normal circumstances will prevail. In heaven’s NFL they have a saying; “perfect pass does not always mean perfect catch”. That is how “perfect” quarterbacks are capable of turning the ball over at all.

The basic premise is that in heaven, games have to be played in the way that most resembles how games are played here. Since heaven is a place were energy flows freely and tangibly, stadiums get real tense during playoff time. Athletes from our world that have been fortunate enough to witness or even partake in the spectacle all say that playoff pressure in heaven is enough to fry the brain.

It should feel good to know that at least some of us can expect to hit the ground running in the true kingdom of heaven, and that all of the things that we enjoy here and now will be available to us at some point in the future. Unfortunately most individuals who read these words will choose to believe that our world is all there is and that humans are born to act like god and then die. In divine circles, such individuals are regarded as low-born in the extreme. In time, we will all see who was right and who was dead wrong.

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